lifepreserver

09:40 pm:

Things are going pretty good now.  I've gotten over my temper tantrum. My mother is talking to me again somewhat and seems to accept my move to halifax. I've started to sort through stuff in preparation for my move.  Plans are in the works.  I've received my first refund from my income tax which gives me more options.  I have a few awesome people that are helping me by helping with transportation, organization, and stuff.  So things are going pretty good right now.

I believe strongly that Halifax is where God wants me to be.  As each difficulty or challenge as come up, there has been a solution come soon after and as much as i have kicked and screamed and held my breath over not getting my way, I'm starting to see that Gods plan may be the best plan for me.  

07:30 pm: My brother

My brother is awesome.  Most people who meet him can't help but love him.  He is sweet, has a sense of humor, enjoys the outdoors, and has a huge capacity to love.  He has the ability to make me laugh when all i want to do is curl up and cry.  He takes his responsibility of a little brother very seriously.  Earlier this afternoon he was chasing me with the shop vac and just a few minutes ago he was making funning faces at me through the window.  Wesley has the personality of a white knight.  He has a strong sense of right and wrong.  He doesn't like it when people get hurt physically, or mentally and will try his hardest to help out everyone.  He is so smart.  You give him a problem or ask him to build something and his mind comes up with all of these cool solutions, most of which work as testified by various works around the house.

My brother is 14.  He will probably never be able to accomplish more than grade 4 academically. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, dyslexia, several other learning disorders, and has the emotional intelligence of an eight or nine year old.  He is currently waiting for tests to be done at the IWK, but the waiting list for these tests can be up to a year.  Everyday i watch him struggle, and every day i grow more and more proud of him because he never gives up, and gives everything his all.  We could all learn from his attitude.  

12:44 am: I've been struggling a lot.  I don't think that i have adjusted well at all from resigning from my job and moving back home.  I lack purpose. I'm floundering.  I think that in a lot of ways i have given up.  I just want to run and never stop.  I am at a loss of how to proceed.  The days are just running into each other.  i never know now when one day stops and the next starts.  Most of the time now i feel nothing, indifferent, just don't care.  The few times emotion breaks through, it is uncontrollable, people usually get hurt, until i block it all out again and settle back down into the fog that is my life.  

I've given up.  (for now anyway) I think i have decided it is safer not to feel.  Then you won't get hurt.  The only down side is you never feel joy, happyness, or contentment either.  Either way the show must go on. Like with Greek theatre no one sees behind the masks 

08:41 pm: Because he lives
And on the third day he rose again.....

 God sent His son, they called Him Jesus
He came to love, heal, and forgive.
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives.
 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.
 

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But greater still the calm assurance,
This child can face uncertain days because He lives.
 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.
 

And then one day I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain.
And then as death gives way to victory,
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives.
 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone!
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives!

Words: Bill & Gloria Gaither

08:02 pm: Rejoice for the Lord Reigns
It is easter weekend.  One of the most celebrated holidays of the Christian Faith.  For without what these days represent there would not be a Christian faith.  It is on these days that our Lord Jesus Christ was tortured, crucified, buried, and rose again taking our past, present and future sins and paying the price for them, to make it possible, if we accept his gift, to live eternally with our Father in Heaven. 

These days are a time of reflection, remembrance, but most importantly a time of rejoicing.  For a father that loves us so much that he gave us his only beloved son to pay the price for us, to make it possible that all of humanity once again has a chance to have a personal relationship with him.  

"The Old Rugged Cross"

On a hill far away, stood an old rugged Cross
The emblem of suff'ring and shame
And I love that old Cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain

So I'll cherish the old rugged Cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged Cross
And exchange it some day for a crown

Oh, that old rugged Cross so despised by the world
Has a wondrous attraction for me
For the dear Lamb of God, left his Glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary

So I'll cherish the old rugged Cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged Cross
And exchange it some day for a crown

In the old rugged Cross, stain'd with blood so divine
A wondrous beauty I see
For the dear Lamb of God, left his Glory above
To pardon and sanctify me

So I'll cherish the old rugged Cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged Cross
And exchange it some day for a crown

To the old rugged Cross, I will ever be true
Its shame and reproach gladly bear
Then He'll call me some day to my home far away
Where his glory forever I'll share

So I'll cherish the old rugged Cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged Cross
And exchange it some day for a crown

12:10 am: Jealous of the unknown

I feel so dirty right now. so gross. I hate this feeling. I knew what would happen if i went but i gave in anyway.  I mentally need to be scrubbed clean. why tonight did i give into that particular temptation?

My mother stressed two things about talking: Think before you speak, and if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.  Sound familiar?  I'm sure everyone has heard that at some point in their lives. Most of the time i do really well at remembering them but sometimes things get said before they're stopped and possible damage can be done.  last night was one such case.  I do the self-punishment thing really well and have been mentally beating myself up about last night ever since.  I thought a lot today about why i said what i said and i think some of it came down to jealousy, I was upset that i did not have this persons full attention at the time, i was jealous of whatever was taking my friends attention off of me, some of it was concern and worry over how my friend was doing, and i think the last part of it was hurt.  

The jealousy thing really bugs me.  The other emotions i can work through but jealousy isn't normally an emotion that i deal with.  I mean what do i really have to be jealous of?  Why do i feel like i should have priority over whatever else is going on at the time?  Am i actually jealous or is there something else going on even deeper than that?  this is something i definitely will have to do some more in depth meditating on.  I will not allow this to ruin a special friendship.   This friendship was built on honesty, and i won't start hiding now.  We will have to work this out though once i'm finished with the self-flagellation.     

12:03 pm: hi people
Awesome time at brookwood shindig. details to come. 

pray that the lines of communication open up between my parents and myself.  It seems like we are working at cross purposes, and just can't seem to get our messages across.

Pray please for a sense of peace, ask that my mind and heart be quietted down, and that i focus on trully what matters

Praise God for a peaceful resolution to a situation that had been tormenting me since last summer.

10:45 pm: so i'm a little calmer right now, a little more rational.  Now i just need to come up with what i am going to do for the weekend.  tommorow is that thing out at brookwood. i'm nervous about it maybe that is bleeding over into my reactions tonight.  I don't know. I am planning on going.  

I do not want this weekend to be a repeat of that weekend a few weeks ago after that major fight on friday. I am going to have to find a more healthy way to handle this. Talking to my parents is out.  There is no dealing maturely with them when they get like this.  I thought we had gotten past this point.  but it's like the past all over again.  Whats that saying, those who do not learn from history are doom to repeat it.  I would like to think that i have learned from my mistakes.  It is frustrating to learn good communication skills, and healthy ways of dealing with people and difference of opinions when the other people haven't had that training.   

09:20 pm: dissection of emotion
i am upset right now, and my blocking skills are not working.  So lets try something else. I can't clearly describe how i am feeling.  The most overwhelming feeling is anger but anger usually is the cover up of other emotion, so now i am trying to trace it back, frustration from not being told, hurt from not being trusted, embarrassment from being caught in a situation without knowing all of the facts. So i have identified the emotions, i have felt the emotions, now i just need to work on letting the emotion go. What do you know i actually may have learned something from therapy these last two years.

08:55 pm: I love my parents.  I really do. Don't get me wrong.  But right now, i am so pissed at them.  Don't they ever learn?  Not to put me in the middle.  I have just has many stakes in this as they do.  Do not shut me out and then expect me to act as a buffer between them and this other person.  If there is a problem tell me, i don't read minds!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is my reputation on the line too.